I've seen her only in chosen times.
But every time i found myself wondering forward into their eyes.
I've only talk to her in awkward silences.
Which kept my heart beating with violence.
And every time we met i stuttered.
Even if i let out a little shutter.
All i had to do was picture their face.
It was like army in a steadily pace.
The concentration from us together.
Even if it meant just standing in the weather.
We'll always have each other,
to look and watch and speak. Forever.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Nice try.U have to work a bit on it.
Keep writing.
I think you have your idea down. However, I think the points you try to get across to the reader are muddled.
Some of this, I think, was due to your rhyme. Your rhyme forced you to write words that sounded similar... but didn't really make sense.
Such as here:
And every time we met i stuttered.
Even if i let out a little shutter.
I'm not really sure what you mean. I'm guessing you mean 'shudder', but still, what does that have to do with what is going on?
And here:
I've only talk to her in awkward silences.
Which kept my heart beating with violence.
This was another one of those parts where you put in a forced rhyme. I understand what you are saying, but the way you put this was very awkward. Try to find a better way of saying this.
All i had to do was picture their face.
It was like army in a steadily pace.
The concentration from us together.
I think you know what you are saying, but you aren't clearly putting that down. (Who are 'they'?)
We'll always have each other,
to look and watch and speak. Forever.
Sort of cliche... Not exactly the best way to end a poem.
I really think you just need to work on, first, getting the points of your idea clearly across. Then, once you have finished getting everything down clearly, try to develop your ideas further. A lot of the things you had in your poem were a bit shallow and cliche. Try to make the descriptions yours.
I hope this helps. Good luck.